You eat what?!

You know those annoying people who proudly proclaim, "Well, I can't eat anything I want!" when they see you eating your "rabbit food"?

I am one of those people.

I LOVE food. I love cooking it, baking it but above all else eating it.

Give me all the pasta in the world and I am one happy gal.

That is until 30 minutes after the meal and then I feel like I've ingested a boulder.

Needless to say, pasta and I have a rocky relationship and are currently not friends.

When I first started working with Drew, the first thing we tackled was the nutrition side of things. I kept a food journal, turned it in, he reviewed and then we talked about it. I remember him asking me if I knew what changes I needed to make and me immediately snapping back "If I knew that already, I wouldn't be here".

Food has a weird pull over people. We, not everyone but some of us, eat when we are happy, sad, bored, worried, anxious, celebrating something, mourning something or just because it is there, staring at you from the counter in the breakroom at work begging to be eaten.

So, to answer his question, no I didn't know what changes needed to be made.

The answer was pretty simple:

• All the fresh fruits & vegetables I wanted (awesome and being a vegetarian totally easy), but dried fruit was out (total bummer) as were bananas (double bummer)
• Beans & lentils (o.k., I could manage that)
• Almonds, Pecans & Brazil Nuts (done!)
• Peanut butter could stay in limited qualities & it had to be the good stuff (whoop! whoop!)
• Another source of protein such as quinoa, TVP or tofu (and eggs if I could stomach it)
• Greek yogurt because it is delicious
• Potatoes could stay as well, but had to be small & only for first or second meal

And that was it. THAT was the list of what I could eat.

No bread, pasta or cereal. No cheese. No chocolate (he did eventually o.k. dark chocolate once in a blue moon but even that came with rules and regulations).  Gone was my delicious trail mix (we all know it's just chocolate with obstacles) and granola. No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a quick dinner. And it was farewell to my pasta. 

We can't forget the rest of the "rules" that came with the diminutive list: all meals were to be consumed between 11am-7pm (hello there, intermittent fasting, not terribly nice to meet you),  meals were no longer to be referred to as breakfast, lunch or dinner (simply meal 1, meal 2 and meal 3) and I needed to start drinking water like it was my job. 

I hated every minute of it. I was never a big breakfast eater but the more I started working out, the more I seemed to crave it in the morning. Having to wait until 11am to eat was brutal. I would literally sit at my desk, will the clock to hit 11am so I could eat something. And that ridiculously small list of "Drew Approved Foods"? Seriously?! How could a person live? I fought him every flippin' step of the way. 

Fast forward six months later.

I still only eat what is on the above list (with an occasional cheat day of course). I still only eat my meals between 11am-7pm (unless I have a work thing, then I adjust according to fit an 8 hour span). And I actually love it and in fact eat, anything I want.

Which is weird, right?

Following that list above took the guess work out of my meals and whether or not I am eating the right stuff, eating enough, eating too much. I no longer worry about carbs or fat or calories, because who has time for that? Who has time to worry about whether or not they "ate all their calories" at breakfast or have tiny little nibbles of food all day because of girls night after work and you don't want to blow it?!

I certainly don't. And it's no fun. But in theory, neither should having to follow that list!

But that was the biggest lesson I learned of all. It did work because I DECIDED to follow it. I didn't have to. I could have done what I've always done which is freak out about fat grams and staying under so many grams of carbs and never once going over a certain amount of calories because if I did, then I failed.

Changing my mindset from "I can only eat" to "I have decided to eat" was incredible. It was one of those stupid "lightbulb moments" where I literally woke up one morning and told myself "The only reason this is happening (i.e. my new outlook on eating) is because you decided that it is happening. No one else is forcing you to do it".

The 'ole "mind over matter" had struck again!

Acknowledging that I had decided to follow these ridiculous (but annoyingly effective) suggestions/rules took away the longing for the foods I "couldn't have". It took away the frustration of feeling limited and gave me back the feeling of having a certain sense of power over my decisions. But more importantly, it was liberating and I'm not sure I could ever go back. 

One Word V2.0

The other day, I was putting together a post for my word for 2015. I was skimming through the freshly written pages in my journal and noticed a theme. Most of what I had written revolved around the theme of finding the strength I need to achieve my goals (on and off the road, in and out of the gym) so it seemed natural for my word of 2015 to be persist. For me to reach any goal I set for myself, I need to persist and push through all walls, real or imagined that come up. I need to push myself and believe in myself. Because no one else is going to do any of this for me.

But the more time I've spending thinking about it and based on how many times I've written about it, been frustrated by it, it doesn't make sense for that to be my word this year. Maybe next year.

This year my word is trust:
noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.

None of what I wrote above will happen if I don't focus on trust.

Trust in myself. Trust in those who care about me. Trust in the support that has been built around me by friends and family.

To believe that I can do anything I set my mind to (this is starting to sound like an after school special), I have to trust that I have what it takes to achieve those goals.

source

What is your word for 2015?

Being My Own Rock

Yesterday in the shower I penned an email in my head to D. The post holiday sugar high finally wore off (my aunt makes THE best sugar cookies, of which I ate many) and it had me feeling less than stellar.

It had me feeling a bit lost.

So I started the email, knowing I would never send it. But sometimes getting it out, no matter the format does the trick. And it did.

There are still days when I still feel lost and floundering, trying to figure out my next step. Trying to decide what the hell I am supposed to be doing, if I am doing any of this stuff correctly, am I eating the right foods, workout out enough, workout hard enough, all the same questions I had back in July.

As I stood there, I finally asked myself "how can I still NOT know that answers to these questions?!"

And I had the answer.

I do know what to do, what to eat, how much to workout, and if I am working out hard enough.

So the real question all along should have been and continues to be, "Why don't I believe in myself?"

I know the answer is there. Buried somewhere inside under years of not believing I was capable of doing so many thing. Because for whatever reason, I allowed myself to listen to those who told me "You can't."

But really I can.

No one can, should be or will be a bigger cheerleader for me than I am.

No one else can stand in my corner and shout "You've got this!" louder than I can.

Because it is time to start believing in myself.

New Year Suggestions

For me, each year feels like a clean slate. A moment to stop, take a deep breath and reassess. A moment to set new intentions and goals for myself. It is a way of reminding myself that it is o.k. to focus on, well, me.



Here is my list for the upcoming year.....

• Yoga Practice: I love doing yoga. I feel better when I practice. Not just on the day I practice, but even the days following. Incorporating a daily practice will help keep me loose after my runs and will help keep me balanced, even if it is only for 15 minutes. I'd also like to work on being able to arm balances, specifically baby grasshopper. I don't know why, but of all the arm balance poses this one intrigues me the most. 
• Daily Mediation: Along with yoga, daily mediation practice is something I would love to have as part of my daily ritual. I try to sit 4 or 5 times a week but it can be tough with everything going on in daily life. But carving out even 10 minutes to just sit with my breath is something I need to do.
• Nourish my body: I've been lax when it come to eating well. It's time to spend more time cooking, eating better foods and drinking more water. 
• Nightly Recharge: In bed by 10pm, up by 6am. It's time to rediscover my mornings. 
• Write It Out: No matter the topic, it needs to be written out of my head whether it be here on my blog or in my bedside journal. 
• Run: I've been thinking about my "running" goals in general quite a bit. I love to run and honestly, could write an entire post about my running goals for 2015. But I think it's best to keep it simple. So for the next year, I'd like to log at least 500 miles (or an average of 45 miles per month) and run a 5k (maybe even a 10k). That's it. Two short and sweet goals that are both totally doable.

What do you have planned for yourself in the new year? 

Life after D

Recently, a very dear friend of mine texted me to tell me she was signing up with a personal trainer. As soon as I read her text, I was immediately excited for her and proud of her for doing so. I know how intimidating it can be to make that decision to work with a trainer and putting your trust in them.

But then sadness set it.

It's been about a month since my last session with D....errr.....well, Drew. His name is Drew. And Drew was my personal trainer.

At this point, it seems like I should be "over it". The sadness and disappointment, I mean, of us not working together anymore.

It's a bit weird, really, how quickly that relationship became such an important part of my life  and how hard it has been to let it go.

On one hand, as friends and family like to point out, he was just my personal trainer. He was someone I paid to kick my ass each week in the gym. And I can sign up with another trainer. There are a few others to choose from.

But on the other hand, he represented something that is extremely hard to come by and someone I don't allow myself to have very often in my life: a source of unwavering support and someone I trusted.

For four and a half months, I trained with him for 3 hours each week and checked in with him nearly every day. He knew more about what was going on inside my head, the good and the bad, than my best friends did. He was able to see past the bullshit and get me to open up. None of it was easy and there were times that I hated him for doing it. But I have never felt as strong (mentally and physical) as I do now.

It was by no means easy and I think I had fewer ups than downs and it's taken a lot of time to believe it, but it is true. I am a much stronger person than I ever believed I could be.

So then why I all the anger and frustration and complete and utter sadness over his leaving?

It sounds so ridiculous, but it's because HE left.

The decision to start training had been all me. Each time I showed up at the gym it was because I  got myself there, crammed myself into my compression pants and worked my way through each session with him. And no matter how many times I wanted to give up and quit because "It was too hard", I didn't. Even in the midst of my weird emotional fallout after reaching my "goals" I kept going back. I didn't give up on the relationship and success we had built.

But his leaving feels like he did.

It feels like he gave up on me.

Rationally, I know his decision to pursue other opportunities had/has nothing to do with me.
Rationally, I know that my time with him would come to an end and it was likely better that it happened sooner than later.
Rationally, I know I need to let it go.

But having that decision to now "go out on my own" wasn't one I came to by myself. It was made for me. And that is what hurts and what makes me balk when people ask who I am training with now. Having had that decision taken away from me is what has brought all those walls back up and has me questioning how to get back to that place where I feel like I can trust someone on that level again.

You Can't Have My Number

Yesterday morning a friend asked me one of the questions I always dread.....

"So, how much weight have you lost?"

I hate that question for a number of reasons....

None of why I am doing this (the workouts, the running, the nutrition, mediation, yoga, any of it) is to be skinny. Losing "the weight" started long before I started working with D. Every time I give the actual number people respond, "Noooo.....it has to be more than that". And every time I give the actual number I feel like it isn't enough and I have some how managed to fail.

But I dutifully answer the question "Oh, it's somewhere around **lbs."

I do this to avoid the follow-up question of "How do you not know--haven't you weighed yourself?" when I say "I'm not sure".

The honest answer is, "No, I don't really know how much I weigh because I haven't stepped on a scale since my last assessment with D. That was over a month ago when everything fell apart. I'd rather not talk about it."

To me, the numbers don't matter. They don't tell me that I've succeeded at anything or that I've improved in anyway. They don't make me a better or nicer person. They don't change the fact that I still struggle with depression and anxiety and self-esteem issues. And those "numbers" have done nothing to help squelch the self-hate I feel when I look in the mirror and stare at the person looking back at me.

The only thing they tell me is my relationship with gravity.

Every time I lace up my running shoes or stuff myself into my compression pants, I go through the same internal struggle of wanting to quit before I get started. I go through the same ritual of shutting down the voices that tell me I will fail, have failed and will always be a failure. People will laugh at me. People will mock me. And I am making a fool of myself.

And being asked "How much weight have you lost?" makes it all start back up again.

Separating self-worth and the number I see staring back at me on the scale is something I (and many others) have struggled with for a long time. The first time I was taught the misguided value in that I was still in elementary school because at the age of 8 we all knew that if you weighed too much something was wrong with you.

But there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing I need to change or adjust or fix. All this work isn't change who I am or what I am about. It's just about making myself into the best version of who I already am.

When I struggled to answer her question, my friend gave me a cautious smile and said "You don't have to tell me. I understand it really isn't about being skinny, right? It's just about being healthy and strong."